Twas Two Nights Before Xmas…

Well, I’m just sitting here waiting for the sleigh bells but since there is absolutely no snow in this burg, I think I’ll have to use my imagination.  Plus mama forgot to turn on the lights on our little tree (emphasis on ‘little’, believe me) and I love the lights.  Mama aunty sent the funniest thing in an email the other day and I’m going to print it here so you can laugh with us.  I like the Nip Nog part…

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare… You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas! 
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
   4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 
4. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 
5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 
6. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
   8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 
7. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
   10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: 

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a great holiday season!!

And mama says not to wear yourselves out with all this holiday ruckus–take deep breaths and count to ten when you want to strangle a family member who eats the last piece of fudge before you get there or when the tree is toppling and you can get there fast enough to catch it or when a visiting kitty steals all your kibble and you have to make nice because “she’s/he’s your GUEST, Loulou”, or when you shake your stocking and no more things come out or when you decide to shake all the packages when no one is looking and there is NO SOUND in any of them and so on and so forth.

I, frankly, am more worn out than at other times of the year and I know I have company, right?  Put your feet up an kick back…zzzzzzz